Jodee Messina seems to know my life right now.  I have iTunes on shuffle and, well, Bring on the Rain just began to play.  The words, for some reason, really are hitting close to home to me right now.  With the recent happenings in and around my life I have found myself increasingly frustrated and finding ways to deal with my anxiety and such.

Another day has almost come and gone
Can’t imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost, but not the war
‘Cause tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

Lately, I’ve been discovering who my friends are and who matters in my life.  And who’s life I matter in for that matter.  I recently came to terms with someone I thought of as a friend just going through the motions.  She was “tired of playing nice” and “tired of my bullshit.”  So, to protect myself from being led on anymore as I seemingly was, I ended what was and what could have been.  Could it have been pure emotion in what she said?  It’s a possibility.  Could it have been the truth?  Of course, and I’m banking more on that than anything.  Since that incident, and even since the end of my relationship, it seems as though the people I once called “friend” have grown increasingly distant from me.  Are they purposely doing this?  Or is this just my perception of what is going on and it is completely wrong?  I’ve no way of telling because I don’t want to ask.  Whatever is meant to be will be as far as I’m concerned.  It just hurts deeply to know that you were just a friend for the moment because of who’s dick was in your vagina.  It’s a sad truth, but a truth nonetheless.

It’s almost like the hard times circle round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah I might feel defeated

And I might hang my head
I might be barely breathin’, but I’m not dead
No, ’cause tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

My mother called me tonight and had an emotional breakdown.  She had a mishap in her checkbook and apparently it’s pretty bad.  There’s nothing I can do.  I’m helpless to help her.   I have not enough money to give to her to help her stabilize the mistake.  It makes me so angry that I can’t help her like I want to.  I mean, I know she understands that I can’t help her but it hurts to hear her in distress.  Not to mention she does everything in her house and she doesn’t get any help.  Most of you don’t know my mother and our rocky relationship, so sit back and enjoy the tale of me and my mother.

My mother was a single mother, even when she was married to my sperm donor.  He was off cheating on my mother with other women and became increasingly violent as time wore on.  He tried to kill my mother on multiple occasions and threw me down the stairs when I was three years old.  I’m lucky to only have a minor problem with my memory.  My mom and I were lucky to survive and get out when we did.  She was lucky at least, I wasn’t.  I never told her that my sperm donor molested and raped me until I was eighteen.  I never told her the horrific things he’d do to me such as making me kiss his lips and other disgusting things that a father should never make his daughter do.  She felt guilty and she has felt guilty all these years for the life I lived as a child.  I never did have a childhood.  She felt as though that was her fault.  It wasn’t.

I moved away to college and I acted out.  I lied to her, never told her the truth, and she never knew what to believe from me.  I got into drugs, almost died, and lost my living space in the course of months.  I came back home because she was helpless to help me when I was away.  Since I’ve been home she’s been helping me a lot, but I feel it’s my responsibility to help her.  I see her struggling every day to keep her sanity.  I watch her exhaust herself day in and day out with having to do everything.   Her husband doesn’t help her.  He’s about as useful as an umbrella in a sandstorm.  Granted, I love him, but really he’s got a lot of flaws that he hasn’t even begun to work out.

It just hurts to see the person who’s been there for you suffer.  It sucks that she and I have had such a rocky relationship.  We always will since we clash so much.  It’s part of life.  It’s bound to happen.

Yeah, I’m not gonna let it get me down
I’m not gonna cry

And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight
‘Cause tomorrow’s another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain

I keep strong despite the hardships and difficulties I endure on the daily basis.  I put a smile on my face when inside my world and heart are breaking.  Sure, there are other things going on in my life, but I push through and persevere.  I cannot let things get me down or I will never live.  Life is too short not to live.  I learned that all too well when my grandpa died almost four years ago.  I take everything as a lesson learned and work to improve my life from there.  Life isn’t easy, but it’s well worth it and eventually my life will calm down and settle.  It just takes time.

Bring on the rain

**Note: I do not own the song, nor the rights, to Jodee Messina’s “Bring on the Rain”**