It’s always nice to talk to people and get to know them on a much more personal level.  It’s even more special when those people trust you enough to tell you intimate things about them that not many other people themselves know.  My problem, though, is that I get attached often times and I find myself in a predicament of having feelings that may not be reciprocated.  I’m a glutton for punishment, I supposed, but when I feel something inside I can’t deny it.  It happens to me all the time and has often times led me to disappointment in my love life.

But I can’t deny what I’m feeling now, despite finding out something that rocked my boat a bit.  It didn’t rock it in a bad way, but in a good way.  It gave me a new perspective on things and made me do a bit of self discovery along the way.  Along with that, it made my realize that what I was feeling was real and that nothing would really change it.  Not even that person being head over heels in love with someone else.  I knew that from the start, but that didn’t hinder my heart.  It never would, though I would be more guarded and protective of it knowing that there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that they would feel the way I feel about them.  And still my heart lingers and pines, but I try to hide it.  God, do I try.  But it hurts because I feel as though I am lying to myself and others around me just to keep face and not spill my emotions all over the place.  I spilled them all over the place when I was hurting, but I’m terrified to say how deeply I feel for fear of rejection.

That fear of rejection that I carry with me hinders me sometimes from expressing myself.  I’ve been rejected enough in my life by my peers and, worst of all, my father.  My father rejected me the day I was born because I wasn’t a boy.  If I could have spoken at the time I’d have been a smart ass.  I told him in later years that I knew he hated me because I had a vagina.  That’s why he raped me.  That’s why he tried to kill me.  All because I didn’t have a penis and he hated me for it.  I never understood his mentality, and I never will since he’s absolutely insane, but his rejection hurt the worst of all because, after all, isn’t a parent supposed to love his/her child regardless?  I thought so, but that wasn’t apparent in my life when I was a child on his part.

So why do I hide it?  Why do I not say the things that are in my heart that I know and feel are right?  Because I’m afraid of you running away from me, rejecting me as so many have in the past.  Plus, it’s not right because of how you feel about someone else.  I’d wait forever and a day just for a moment in time to pass that I could catch your eye, say hello, or even give a passing wave.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I want it to hold a place for you and me for just a moment in time.  A moment where no one else exists but us.  I don’t care about anything that you feel is “wrong” with you.  I don’t care about the things that you’re afraid will turn me away.  I’m not afraid of them.  I want to know them, to embrace them, to love them because they are a part of you.  I want to love you and take away your hurt, but I may never get the chance and I’m learning to be alright with that fact.

I may always have to wait for that moment I long for and I may never get it.  I’ve learned to accept that.  But that acceptance will never change how I feel in my heart nor will it change my desire for you.  You awaken parts of me that others haven’t been able to even touch with a ten foot pole before.  But you may never truly know and I may always be lying in wait, though I’ve moved on with my life, for that one sweet moment with you.