Every day is a struggle, a reminder that you’re not here.  A reminder that you’ve moved on from this life and that you’re living another somewhere beyond the stars.  That’s what I hope, at least.  I know you’re still alive in my heart and I hope that you are alive somewhere else in another dimension maybe.  I believe you’re in Heaven, but I have no idea what Heaven is like nor can I begin to understand it.  What I do understand is that I miss you and my heart aches for you with each day that passes and you are no longer here.

You’d think after four years I would have learned how to cope with your death.  It’s not that easy when you were the only one there for me as a father figure.  You were my first dance, my first word, my first good grade, my first day of high school, my father/daughter dance my junior year, my best friend.  I never knew that year we went to Disney would be the year that our lives changed.  I didn’t know that that year was the beginning of two and a half years of a long battle.  I didn’t know then that I would be telling you goodbye forever a month after I graduated high school.  I didn’t know that I was going to watch you die bit by bit every day for two and a half years.

You died in my sheets I had as a little girl, the ones you and my grandma had bought for me when mom and I moved in.  You gave me a thumbs up two nights before you passed on.  You came to me after you passed on to tell me you were okay.  And yet I couldn’t shake my last memories of you, watching the cancer eat away at your brain and take what little bit of you we all had left.  You were already gone, though.  I knew it in my heart when you couldn’t remember my name anymore.  I was your little girl, the granddaughter you prayed and wanted more than anything in this world.  And you were my paw paw, my best friend, my light.  You are still very much in my life and I look to the sky every day in hopes that I might see you.  I know you’re still here with me, but I’d give anything in this world to feel your hug again.  You’ll never be gone to me.  I love you and my heart aches for you.  I hope you’re resting in peace beyond the stars and I hope to see you again one day.

You raise me up to more than I can be.  I know I’m who I am today because I knew you.  And now I’ll lay my head back down, lift my hands and pray, because you’re my only hope and one of the many factors that gets me through my days.  I love you.