Neverending Battle Tuesday, Jan 25 2011 

I wrote about my battle of the bulge back when I started this blog and, well, the battle has been started all over again.  I got lazy with school and didn’t take the time to care about myself and what I was doing to my body.  The disgusting thing about it was that I was eating almost an entire pizza when I’d order out, double orders of food, and horrible amounts of crap.  I’m not lying.  It’s disgusting and horrible to admit, but it happened and I’m changing that.

I decided a few months ago to join weight watchers and I let life get in the way and lost control again.  I let it go and didn’t bother to update it for a few months.  I decided about three weeks ago that enough was enough and I started tracking everything I was eating again.  I started to feel better, but I needed to take another step toward reaching my weight loss goals.  I needed more exercise.  I planned on going to the gym at school in the mornings, but I had made that promise to myself before and it never happened.  Once I get to school, I’m in absolutely no mood to go work out, get sweaty, shower there, and proceed to go to class.  I’d rather just show up ready to go.  I took an alternate route and signed up for a gym membership closer to home and I got my mom to do it with me.  This was the best decision and investment I have made this year thus far.  Well, aside from my romantic choice of course.

Since I started this battle over again, I have lost a total of 11 pounds.  That’s a lot of weight and I’m thrilled.  Feeling my clothes fit looser and my boobs not be as massive is a wonderful feeling.  It feels nice to throw my arm over my stomach and feel it going down a little bit each day.  I’m actually meeting my goals for the first time in a year.  Let’s just hope I keep this up.

Live, Laugh, Love, and Learn Sunday, Jul 4 2010 

This weekend turned out much better than I anticipated.  My week was extremely suckful.  I’ve been stressing a lot and just worrying about finances and such.  It all started with being denied financial aid and having to figure out a way to pay for the last semester of my schooling.  I figured it out and I feel a bit more responsible than when I first felt when I got the letter telling me I had been denied financial aid.  It was my fault mostly, though I did have extenuating circumstances with certain instructors of mine.  That is neither here nor there and I admit that I faltered quite a bit.  I’m going to dig myself out of this hole I’ve gotten into and I’m going to be much better for it.  I’m praying that I will at least.

With the news of me being denied financial aid I began the crusade to find a weekend job, hence why I have been lacking in posting and activity on the internet.  I’ve pulled away from much of my leisure time and have put that time and energy into looking for ways to get myself out of college and the situation I’m in.  I did, though, manage to have a great weekend and I learned that friends really do make a huge difference in my mood and my life all together.

Last night I went out for the first time in a few weeks to dinner with my friends and to drink.  I normally don’t drink my anguish away, but you know, after being shafted and screwed over all week I deserved a drink or three.  I refused, though, to numb my pain completely with alcohol.  I’ve done that one too many times in my past and I refused to turn back to that again.  I had been looking forward, as well, to seeing the boyfriend.  Excuse me while I pause to laugh for a moment.  Ten minutes before he was supposed to arrive at my place so we could meet my friends to ride with them he bailed.  He said he was “too tired” though he was awake enough later in the night to text me and see how things were.  Yeah, sorry, I didn’t buy the bullshit and I’m really at a point in my life where I’m not giving three strikes or three chances.  I’m not going to sit around and wait for someone to take interest in me.  Needless to say that that’s over and I’m moving on.  So, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get back to the story of the rest of the night and Independence Day. (more…)

Delayed Posting Wednesday, Jun 30 2010 

I apologize that it has taken me a few days to post.  My life has been full of drama, drama, and more drama.

First of all, I found out that my ex boyfriend is a douche who isn’t worth my time.  You mean to tell me that I’m within five minutes of you and you can’t even return something to me?  Grow a pair, bub.  And acting like you don’t know who I am when you DO see me?  Yeah, kiss my ass.  You’re a worthless piece of shit that wasn’t worth my time to begin with.  I just wish that you would have shown your true colors a bit sooner so I hadn’t invested so much of my time and energy into you.  For the record, my ex is withholding a ring of mine that means a lot to me and he couldn’t take the time to meet me with it.  As far as I’m concerned, he can kiss my ass.

To top my shitty week off, I didn’t get approved for financial aid so I’m worried about what I’m going to do to pay for school this coming semester.  Thank God I’m graduating.  I can’t take much more of this headache with figuring out how the hell I’m going to pay for shit.  My life is going down the crapper right now and I’m really finding it hard to keep my head up.  I will persevere, though, and not let it get me down.  I can get through this.  Right?  Right.  I’ll find the silver lining in my cloud.  I just hope I find it soon because this hand I’ve been dealt is a wash.

I’m not even getting into the drama with the site I worked for.  It’s neither here nor there and I’m really not going to waste my time posting about it.  Actually, writing the previous line was a waste of time.  Eh, it made me feel better.  I don’t really give a flying fadoodle at this point what anyone has to say or thinks about it.

Insert *headdesk* right about ——> here.

Tires Blow Thursday, Jun 17 2010 

Tires blow.  It’s true.  I learned that for the second time in two years today.  On my way to work and putting gas in my car, I noticed that my tire was completely flat on my driver’s side in the rear.  I drove home and called my boss to let him know that I would be late.  My tire blew and he was on the phone with me when I hit the post.  Needless to say I was a bit hysterical.  I managed to get home and brought my car in to be fixed.  Thank God I had coverage on the tire and it didn’t cost me anything.  I’m damn near broke right now and it blows completely.

I managed to make it to work four hours late, but my bosses were happy to have me there safe and sound.  And, of course, when I closed tonight I managed to lock a student in the building.  That was embarrassing, but I’m glad to be home and that that was the least of my worries at work.  It’s nice to kick back and relax so that I can enjoy my little weekend that I have considering I work on Saturday again this week.  Tomorrow is going to be great because tomorrow is a special day for me and for my mom.  It’s her birthday and I’m so totally excited.

We’re going to be spending her day together and I intend to get her a dozen roses to surprise her with in the morning.  Later in the early afternoon we’re going to a local pub for fish and chips.  Our British heritage is really showing through little by little.  Saturday we’re going to be enjoying a comedy show and, of course, Sunday is Father’s Day.  This weekend is going to be a good one and I’m so very excited for it.

I’m also getting my big box of fun in the mail tomorrow.  I can’t wait to bust it open and explore all of the new shiny toys I ordered on Tuesday evening.  I’m so excited!  Hello, weekend!

You Raise Me Up Friday, Jun 11 2010 

Every day is a struggle, a reminder that you’re not here.  A reminder that you’ve moved on from this life and that you’re living another somewhere beyond the stars.  That’s what I hope, at least.  I know you’re still alive in my heart and I hope that you are alive somewhere else in another dimension maybe.  I believe you’re in Heaven, but I have no idea what Heaven is like nor can I begin to understand it.  What I do understand is that I miss you and my heart aches for you with each day that passes and you are no longer here.

You’d think after four years I would have learned how to cope with your death.  It’s not that easy when you were the only one there for me as a father figure.  You were my first dance, my first word, my first good grade, my first day of high school, my father/daughter dance my junior year, my best friend.  I never knew that year we went to Disney would be the year that our lives changed.  I didn’t know that that year was the beginning of two and a half years of a long battle.  I didn’t know then that I would be telling you goodbye forever a month after I graduated high school.  I didn’t know that I was going to watch you die bit by bit every day for two and a half years.

You died in my sheets I had as a little girl, the ones you and my grandma had bought for me when mom and I moved in.  You gave me a thumbs up two nights before you passed on.  You came to me after you passed on to tell me you were okay.  And yet I couldn’t shake my last memories of you, watching the cancer eat away at your brain and take what little bit of you we all had left.  You were already gone, though.  I knew it in my heart when you couldn’t remember my name anymore.  I was your little girl, the granddaughter you prayed and wanted more than anything in this world.  And you were my paw paw, my best friend, my light.  You are still very much in my life and I look to the sky every day in hopes that I might see you.  I know you’re still here with me, but I’d give anything in this world to feel your hug again.  You’ll never be gone to me.  I love you and my heart aches for you.  I hope you’re resting in peace beyond the stars and I hope to see you again one day.

You raise me up to more than I can be.  I know I’m who I am today because I knew you.  And now I’ll lay my head back down, lift my hands and pray, because you’re my only hope and one of the many factors that gets me through my days.  I love you.

Diets Don’t Work Saturday, Jun 5 2010 

I have been battling my weight for years.  I have gone through the phase of losing 60 lbs just to put it all back on and some.  Why did this happen?  I figured it out this time around when I decided to attack my weight problem again.  Back in 2007 when I had lost 60 lbs, I had stopped eating “normal” food.  By normal I mean foods with fat grams and other such things in them that “diets” don’t recommend.  The problem came in when I stopped eating boxed diet food and all the low calorie snacks that are the new trend in society.  When I stopped eating just the “diet foods” I had been on, my weight came back and it came back fast.

I decided to take a different approach to it this time around.  I decided that I’m not going to deprive myself of “normal” foods, but rather cut down my portions and make smarter choices when it comes to fast food if I have to get some as a last resort on the way to or from work.  I started this crusade and this new “diet plan” back in the middle of March.  I have added exercise in with eating smaller portions of normal food.  I have been on this plan for 12 weeks now and have lost a total of 13 lbs.  No gimmicks, no frozen boxed food diet, nothing.  I got to thinking about why this is working much better than the crash diet I was on before.  I had lost more weight in this time frame with the last diet, but I wasn’t doing it in a healthy way and I was shocking my body with the food deprivation.  My body was in shock again when I stopped eating all of those things and ate other foods.

My theory on this is plain and simple.  By keeping “normal” food in my body while exercising and drinking a lot more water (I cut out a lot of the soda consumption that I was taking in on the regular basis) I have managed to drop weight at a rate of about 2 lbs/week.  That’s quite a bit of weight to lose a week.  Also, when I reach my goal weight and continue to eat foods that aren’t necessarily diet foods, my body will not go into shock and retain the fat that I had deprived it of during the diet.  Hard core crash diets basically deprive your body of the essential fats it needs to burn calories.  Your body basically goes into starvation mode and hoards fat once you start replenishing your body with it.  Does that make sense to you?  It does to me, so I’m sticking with my theory for my own purposes.

Needless to say, crash dieting and cutting out all the “normal” foods isn’t good for you or your body.  Junk food isn’t good for you either, but if you proportion things right and don’t overeat you can still lose weight in a healthy manner without starving yourself.